I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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