I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
