I've blown a few things in my day
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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