Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
