you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you had me at cake vodka
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize