I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
