one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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