I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
