I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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