She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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