he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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