names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
