I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
