You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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