who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
