i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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