last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
