I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
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He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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