i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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