you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
