I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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