im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
