My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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