so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
