omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
