I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
