I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
