You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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