My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
