I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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