I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
