Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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