yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
