went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
