come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
