she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
