We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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