I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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