I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
