im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos