She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
