Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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