Your dad touched me again.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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