i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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