Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am naked and annoyed.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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