i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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