i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
