Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i love accidental penises.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He passed out mid-signature
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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