Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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