i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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