the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
