Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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