Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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