My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Houston, we have a blender
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
