Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
