Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
