Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
