also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
