She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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