dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I want her autograph on my taint
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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