I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
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