I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Randomize
