just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
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Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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