just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
