end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
